SASE

I haven’t been on here a while, sorry! My computer crashed, but it’s okay, cause now I have a cool laptop! And it has a video camera, so I can use skype! I can actually practice my sign language with people.

Lets see. Updates. It’s been months since I last went on here, and I don’t know what I said or didn’t say. I’ve almost been on AVEN a whole year. I’m learning sign languge. I’m in highschool. I have lots of friends. I’m in 5 school clubs. One out of school clubs. I’m actually pretty happy, though one of my friends is mean and is making me stress. I don’t feel like cutting myself anymore. It’s happening more lately now, but that’s just the stress. Hmm. I still haven’t kissed anyone yet. I got a new phone, and it has texting on it. I’ve found out that I like black haird people. I told everyone at school I’m bisexual, but told my closest friends I’m asexual, and explaine it to them. To someone I feel is my best friend, I’ve told all my secreats to, and she’s going through something very similiar. I’m in a click, or group, and I have a lot of fun there. Oh! And I only know a couple homophobic people (yeah for coming out, it’s like a shield against ignorent people!) and just about they are the only ones who don’t really like me, for the sole and only reason I’m bi (pan). I have a friend who’s a little homophobic, but yesterday, she proved to be okay with me.

Important: Or at least I think it is. On fictionpress, I created a story that’s a more organize version of a blog. I’m thinking of making another blog to put that only on it. Basically, I’m talking about different issues that people (I’m not sure about other places, but where I live) go through, and just discussing why these things happen/happened, why people react in certain ways, and generally my thoughts of being a 14 year old, near 15, when these topics are mentioned, and what I think of them. It can range from rasism (blacks but also mexicans are the main target now), all different kinds of abuse, sexuality, self-harm, and dating. Asexuals will most likly be mentioned at one point or another.

Also, I’ve decided to start doing more LGBT work, because yesterday was coming out day, an LGBT holiday, and while I wouldn’t expect people to know that, I did expect them to know what LGBT stood for. A lot of people didn’t, I’m afraid. So, I’ve been thinking of posters, and more excitingly, a powerpoint to put on youtube. It’l be of this quote, and it took me forever to find it again.

I’m the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I’m a lesbian.
I’m the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I’m the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents that buried her daughter long before her time.
I‘m the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I’m the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I ever had, I wish they could adopt me.
I’m one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will be able to walk again.
I’m not one of the lucky ones, I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the Realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I’m the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I’m the mother who is not allowed to even visit the child I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says that I’m a unfit mother because I live with another woman now.
I’m the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out that my abusive partner is also a woman.
I’m the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I’m a male.
I’m the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I’m the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I’m the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized that I was transsexual.
I’m the person feeling guilty because I think I can be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with the society hating me.
I’m the man who stopped attending church, not because I don’t believe, but because they closed the doors to my kind.
I’m the person who has to hide what this world needs the most, Love.
I’m the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

I think it’ll be neat if I have my friends allow me to take pictures of them, maybe record their voices as they say their lines, and put it all together all fancy like. I don’t think they’ll mind, maybe even jump at the oppertunity. If I do it right and good, it could be a real hit. I think I’ll also add asexual to that too.

He died today. In the night. At first I was wondering what I should have done, if I should have put antiseptic on his wound (And therefore, the maggots) to have it irritate them, maybe get them to leave. But I didn’t. And maybe if I heated a water bottle and put it next to him, he wouldn’t be cold. But, I guess I did enough. I got the flys away from him, so they wouldn’t lay more eggs and he wouldn’t keep trying to run away, limping with that bad leg of his. He had water and food. My uncle randy had suggested I get twezzers and pull the maggots out, but I was too schemish.

MOm and him suggested bearing him. (I don’t think I spelled that right). I said no, because then the maggots would die. THey may be what made him die, but who am I to decide whether they live or not? They’re babies too, larve, and it’s not their fault their parents put them in a living creature. So I think I’m going to just put him someplace, like on my uncles property. Then one of the beings that I put in the box would live. Now that I think of it, I wouldn’t want him to die in vain anyhow. This way, a lot of flys live, even if he couldn’t.

I can’t go to sleep. I guess I shouldn’t have stared at the chipmonk’s wound/maggots, because… it’s what’s keeping me up. Man, I would never trade places with him, ever. Poor guy… So, I’m sleepy, need to care for a maggot infested baby chipmonk in the morning, and… worried he’s not going to make it. Mom said I can’t check up on him, though, and I don’t want to risk it, nevermind the fact he’s probably tired and needs all the sleep he can get. It’s awful though, I’d hate to be him right now. Imagine having, like, 20 maggots crawling around in the side of your face… Ew…. I think i just made it worse. So, yeah, I washed my  hands, feet, face, even glasses, after seeing that, feeling that they could be crawling over me. Usually I’m not scwemish (I know I spelled that wrong) but it’s really getting me. Hmm. I wonder what I should name him. I was thinking baby, chip, or dale, even just plan chipmonk. So far I’ve been just calling him baby.

Talking about more depressing stuff. Hopefully, if someones reading this, it’ll be more laugh worthy than the ones before. (I mean, hows a dying chipmonk and another story about the realationship between me and my mom NOT depressing?)

So, deer flys. We have ‘em here where I live. Not sure about other people’s. I’m used to mosquitos, but deer flys? Ouch. They hurt more, and are defenitly more scary. Bigger than normal flys, and more feriocious then mosquitos. So, I’ve been going to the nature preserve, and…. wait, I think I already talked about this. I have a terrible memory, ask mom, she was yelling at me about it earler today. Ahem. Sorry.

Anyway, I was bit. By the deer fly, I mean. Not the baby chipmonk. HGow awful would that be? You know how they test animals for rabies? Chop off the head, killing it, and sampling brain tissue. Okay, someones getting tired…. and therefore off track.

It hurts! I think that I have really good blood or something, because I don’t see deer flys following anyone else around, trying to bite them. I wonder what my blood type is… I hope it’s something speciel, like AB. Just something cool to tell people, it being so rare. Okay, I am definitly tired. I’m going to go to sleep. Bye! 

We’re terrible today. Mom got mad, twice. She asulted me, yes, I will use that word, while I was in the bathroom. When I was having a shower, particulary. She ordered me to get out right that instant, to have her yell at me while I was in a towel. She said I walked all over her. That I didn’t care about her feelings. She likes to bottle things up, until they explode. The house was a mess, I don’t listen to her, I “covienently forget things,” I embarress her. Normal things. Things she’s said ever since I was young. Didn’t matter That just a day ago, I put all the dishes away, without being asked. that for weeks I’ve been takening all the laundry down, mine and hers, without being asked. That I carry the grocerys in. Take the garbage can in and out, usually without being asked. It’s because she doesn’t see my kindness. She only sees my imperfection. Only when my kindness is shoved in front of her face does she recognize she’s wrong. That I don’t walk all over her, that not everyone gets mad at her.

When I was little, I didn’t know that it wasn’t a normal thing to have your mother cry. It happened often enough. Didn’t know that some people grow up to never hear their mother cry.

I don’t see why I make my mother cry. I’m not bad. I carry dinner to tina, a disabled woman down the street that used to be our neighbor back when I was 5 or 6. I saved the chipmonk, not for glory, but just to save it, even though my mother might be angry at me for the third time today. I’ve made lunches for the homeless, helped the lung assiociation get money to help people with asthma and lung deseases. I volunteer yearly at the local carnival, and monthly at a conservation site. At the library too. I’m not the smartest in my class, but I’m not the dumbest. And mom said she didn’t care about my grades much anyway, as long as I pass. I don’t think I’m that pretty, but not a sore sight either. So I don’t see why…

I don’t get it. How am I so bad? I don’t do drugs,  don’t smoke, don’t have sex, or break curfew-if I had enough of a social life to have a curfew. Don’t throw party’s, or go to ‘em. When mom was my age, she was doing pretty bad things. I know she’d probably hurt me if I said them, though she hasn’t yet.

If things ever got phsyical, I don’t know what I’d do. They haven’t, of course, but there are times when it’s very possible. Like the time she’d threatened to send me to a mentel institution for no reason. Just threatened to get me to talk, because I never tell her whats wrong (she only rebounds it with something else, saying it isn’t true, and I’m bad, ect.). Ad one time, while we were at a party, she grabbed my wrist. It hurt. I stared at her, in that creepy stare that I have that makes people scared. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because of how black my eyes can be, or the fact that when I do give people that stare, it means I feel threatened and will bite if needed. Anyway, she backed down, and left the room. I can tell that half the people in the room saw and were giving us weird looks, but I just tried to act normal.  

I found a baby chipmonk today. When I found him, he was running in circles, trying to get away from flys. At first, I thought that he was an adult chipmonk. I thought he hurt his leg. I called my uncle, a very smart guy. He said the best I could do was get him some water and bread. Both him and mom said that if he was hit by a car, he would die. I talked about getting him in a box and taking care of him, but both he and mom said no, I did it anyway. I got him into the box, and waved the cover over him, getting rid of the flys. Then I carried him into the garrage. I was really sweaty, and must’ve wiped my face with my shirt 5 or 6 times. I starred at him, read a little to him, and sung to him nursery rymes for 3-2 hours. I thought all I had to do was wait till he healed. Then I got a good look at him. His leg was hurt, the left rear one. but that wasn’t it. He had a gash at the side of his face, and in that gash was maggots. Dread started sinking in. I was really sad. I thought he was doomed, and I told mom so. I called my uncle again, and told him. He said where I could call, and when they open, I think I’ll ask my nieghbor to drive me and him there, so he can be treated. I am convinced flys are awful, terrible creatures. How else could they lay their young in a injured baby chipmonk?  

So, I’m pretty much doing this to ease my guilt of not being on… I was think of putting a weel thought out muse, but I guess I’ll just say whatever comes to mind.. too tired to think of something of meaning. Oh! Heres something.

Nothing really seems to bother me anymore. I’m very mellow now. I don’t snap at people, and even when people are annoying and irritating (Like the only boy in my camp) I don’t get irritated. I haven’t had any negitive emotions for a while. I just feel positive ones. Sometimes nervousness, and worry, but no anger or irritation, or really guilt, to be honest. when I was saying “ease my guilt” I think I really ment, “my minds saying I should fell this way so…” The only time I actually get snappy is when I’m worried. like, my mom was crying to me on the phone just this week, and that got me really worried. When moms like that, theres a better chance she’ll take it out on me, so I worry. The day right after she called me in tears, I snapped at my counseler and the male camper, the counseler telling me to “piclk up my trash, getting me irritated in my fragile state, having her insinuate I left it there on purpose or was lazy, when in reality, I was just tired and things fell out of my backpack. Granted, I also sat next to the male camper, and he is VERY annoying, getting my nerves even more frayed then usual.

I notice that now I don’t really have stress, I’m happier. It seems even though I’m buy and tired to the bone, I only get my stinger out (As in, I’m a scorpio and we are known for being waspish) when somethings up with my mom. I thinks its because she has a power over me no one else does. the counseller can say I can’t do this or that, but that’s not real power. My mom has a power over me that I can’t shake off. She’s understanding, but once I start to trust her, it all blows up in my face. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m occoltist, and while i was trying to figure out about my religion, I found something. But I’m too wary of her to share it. The same thing with me being semi interested in dating girls. I know now, that if I’m going to get through this without totally ruining our realationship, I have to keep things at home as calm as possible. Because with my mothers condition, things are so shaky all the time, she needs a place thats solid.    

I’ve been thinking of this… issue, recently. On my trip to D.C. (My nations capital) I met a girl and a boy and the boy was obviously crushing on the girl. His eyes never strayed, he held out the door for her, and was all for impressing her. I found out withen 2 days of metting them, it was so obvious. I thought it was kinda romantic, not getting the creep side of it, never really been in that postion before. I’ve had people crush on me, sure (don’t know why) but never to that extent, and I liked the boy well enough, he was intellgent, scarily so, nice. I could kinda see why she was uncomfortable. She told me occasionally he would make a move, touch her leg or something like that, and I know I’d be freaked. I was freaked when I first held a boys hand, so then I’d probaly run away. But I didn’t fully understand until I was kinda placed in her shoes.

Theres this 22 year old guy who lives a couple houses down. He’s creepy. Very creepy. Rumour has it he broke into the house next to his house because he had a crush on the girl who lived there, and I believe it. Not only because he’s creepy, but because I heard it from the other people who live next to them, who apparently saw evidence and everything. Don’t mean to be a busy body, but you can see why it might be nice to know, being a girl who looks about his age, and him living a couple doors down.

When I first saw him, he crept up behind me when I was reading, and said hello, and what are you reading. He was carring a stick in hs hand. So I quickly replied and went inside. Months later, I was at a party at my nieghbors, who are close friends of ours. We was talking first with the son of my nieghbors, who is 21, then when nick went to look for his friend, (Note: he didn’t leave me there, he just walked a couple of feet away) he started talking to me. He had a really creepy look in his eye, not… evil look, but just… crazy. Not evil crazy, just crazy. A couple weeks after that, he came outside while I was talking with mentioned close neighors, and he just stood there. I don’t know if he was staring at me, or what he was doing, but when the mother of the household told him where her oldest son was, he walked up the hill to the front of their house (We were chatting in the back yard) he came back down momentarily, without even ringing the doorbell. Then he waited a half a minute, and left. Let me tell you, the hairs at the nape of my neck were going sky high.

So, basically, what this post is about, where’s the line at showing affections?

I think people should be able to tell the people they like-like how they feel without getting panicey, and that if people want to hold out doors or look at their crush, that’s their own buisness. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I’ve come to the conclusion I always come up with. I always come up with this rule at where lines are drawn, with anything, almost. It can’t get physical. If the person is in any way touch you and making you uncomfortable, then tell them to stop, and don’t take no for an answer. Like that girl who’s friend likes her, touch her under the table of the bus coming home, even when I was there, and was seeing it. She should, in my opion, say stop. If people are doing something that is non-physical, and it’s making you uncomfortable, you can ask for them to stop, but if they don’t, theres nothing you can do, like with staring. If they’re stalking you, and you are really nervous, then it’s stop, and stop only. Thats my opinion, anyway.        

I’m very terrible for not going on here, DA, or AVEN for a very long time. -_- I’ve been so busy, it’s…. unimaginable. Lets, see, here, let me magically pull excuses out of this hat (Holds imaginary hat).

This past week (monday-friday) I was at crafty campers camp. Every day, I had to walk/scooter/roller blade/bike all the way across town, and IO mean from one side all the way to the other side, at 8:30, then do crafts, and at the end of the day, swim 3 hours (Sometimes more) the go all the way across to get back homew again, and then I had to go into big bug infested jungles (Gardian of the gate, a big annoying bug, doesn’t like me going into a nature preserve that’s by my house illegally, lucky me.) So once I get home, and stay home, its late, and I forget all about it.

 Sunday I had my art class, and we were doing it outside, in the heat, and we walked all over the place, me and one of my classmates running up and down this hill three or four times to get supplies, leaving me tired and forgetful.  

Saterday I had a cook out with the people I babysit for, and I was stuck entertaining a very energenic 5 year old while the adults talked, when we got home, I slept like a baby.

Then friday me and mom went out toindiana, and that was an all day type thing.

…. My memorys horrible, so I can’t name things by date anymore, but I am learning sign language, very time consuming, and other things I can’t remember. (I really do have the worst memory. Can’t remember anything.)

So… I do have excuses! Bad ones, but ones nevertheless! 

Now that I have excuses, time for the actual update. I got three phone numbers, actually four, but 3 from very nice girls I met at camp, one that lives in my nieghborhood and I don’t have to bike far to hang out with. All of them are younger than me, but it’s okay, because I like younger kids. Always got along with them better. And the one in my neighborhood, who is going into sixth grade… Um, right, only people who are going to read this probably don’t know what age that is… she’s 9, 10, or 11. Technically, in the US, it’s illegal for someone that age to stay home alone, though I’m pretty sure at that age I did, but anyway, since she used to stay after school with E.T., a kind of day care the district supplies,  but they don’t take 6th graders and up anymore, she was asking how old I was, if I babysat, and then talked about getting a baby sitter during the school year after school. That was a run on sentence. o_o I’d be okay with watching her after school, maybe even before, too, but there would be some complications. I’m pretty sure my school day is going to be 2 or something hours longer, her getting home much sooner than I, and I’d still need “me time” so I could be by myself, and her parents would need to get home about 5 or 6, maybe 7. But if it works out, the I get to play with a friend and get paid, even though it sounds horrible. *shrugs*

Another girl I got a number from is an 18 year old I met at the library. We have somer of the same intrests, such as a love of manga and anime, though mine is more csual than hers, but I doubt I’ll be calling her. It isn’t just that I like kids better, because that’s not completly true, it’s because she was constantly interupting me. It kinda annoys me when somone whos older acts like that… I can’t explain it. Like, my subconcious is saying that someone older should know better than to do some things. (Interupting, invading personal space ect.) Thats partly why I like kids, because they are often really fun and funny, and I don’t have to worry about them judging me, and when they do do things someone should know better than to do, I don’t get even slightly ruffled. (I hope I used the word right, meaning I don’t mind in the slightest).

I’ve become a vegitarian! Whoo! I’ve actually been on and off a vegitarian, so it proubably won’t last long, but it’s an accomplishment. I haven’t eaten any meat except for the insects/aracnids that is comman in all produce in a whole day! Yes, its very comman for insects to be in food.

So… I’m tired, and this things getting kinda long, so I’ll end it with a fun fact about myself, which isn’t very fun for me. I have about 10 different injuries on my person that I can see, all on my legs. Half of them are cuts, and the other half brusies. Well, thats what you get when you climb a tree (Loves climbing trees). So, yeah, my legs look beutiful now. XD